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Post by mllemass on Aug 5, 2021 12:24:38 GMT
Two of my cousins (a brother and sister) were not able to have children, and they both adopted children from Romania many years ago. Although the 5 adopted cousins are not biologically related to each other, it’s always felt like they are! The oldest was only two when he was adopted, so none of them have any memory of the Romanian orphanages where they had first lived. But they know their history, and they refer to themselves as being Canadian/Italian/Romanian (and English, for my cousin’s wife’s family). And they fit in just fine with their other cousins.
But I know of another adoption situation that was just weird!
I had a friend in high school whose family regularly had foster children while she was growing up. They eventually adopted two of them - a boy and a girl, so there were now 5 children in the family. My friend’s family called themselves very religious, but it always seemed to me that they only did “good” things so that they could show others how religious they were. My friend’s adopted brother Dan didn’t live with them, and they rarely talked about him. They had sent him off to military school when he was 13. He had come from a rough background - drugs, alcohol, living on the streets, and his new family wasn’t able to cure him with their prayers, so they sent him away. (That’s not the way they told the story, though. Military school would be good for him!)
My friend’s younger sister Amy was adopted when she was just a baby, and the only reason I knew that was because they were always mentioning it. Again, it was clear that people were supposed to think “What a wonderful religious family you are for doing this!”. But they talked about it in front of her, too, so she grew up hearing it. I knew Amy, and she was a nice girl. She was very shy compared to the rest of the family, so they all just assumed that she had low self-esteem because she wasn’t as “pretty” as her sisters. Seriously - that’s what my friend told me! Any time I went over there, my friend or her mother would whisper to me to compliment Amy about something - her clothes or her hair - so that she feels just as pretty as the other girls. It was nuts! But my friend said that although they were constantly giving her compliments about her appearance, Amy seemed to think that they weren’t being sincere! Ha! She was certainly a lot smarter than any of the rest of that family! (And yes, Amy was in fact very pretty!)
My friend also once confided in me that she remembered being very upset when they first adopted Amy, because until then my friend was the youngest child. She hated that her parents took attention away from her to give to this new baby sister. And my friend said she was still a bit resentful at never again being the youngest.
So they were not a good example of adoption! They were a good example of religious fanatics who wanted to be known for their “charity” work. Oh, and years before I met my friend, her parents had disowned their first-born son Patrick! I suspect that that was the reason for the foster children and adoptions - they wanted to replace him somehow. And the terrible thing Patrick had done to get himself disowned? He had gone outside their religion and married a Catholic girl.
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Post by ellie on Aug 5, 2021 12:29:52 GMT
I don’t doubt the vast majority of adoptive parents love the child as much as their biological children. But I just wonder if nevertheless the adopted child always feels a bit insecure because, unlike their siblings, they are not a biological child of the parents. I have no direct knowledge on this other than an old school friend who was one of two adopted children and then the parents had a biological child are there was definitely an undercurrent with the adoptees that the other child was the favourite. Even though people who knew them said they could never see any evidence that was true. And even the adoptees couldn’t point to any evidence either. I think it was just their feeling of insecurity that surely the “real” child of the family must be loved more than them.
Adoption is a big step for both parents and child and not something to be done without huge consideration of what it will mean for every member of the family. That’s why I’m always suspicious of the motives of people like Mia Farrow, Angelina Jolie and Madonna who adopt multiple children from different cultural and ethnic backgrounds. I always suspect it’s more about them than the kids - ie “look how compassionate and non racist I am. Aren’t I wonderful.” But maybe I’m too cynical.
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Post by queenzod on Aug 5, 2021 12:55:18 GMT
I think that awkwardness might come, in part, from the child themself. There’s something about knowing that you were rejected by your birth parents that must hit psychologically, no matter how much you are loved and treasured by your adoptive parents. I tend to think that adopting a child is usually done out of love and that the adoptive parents try their best to make things equal among their kids, but maybe I’m naive. There are some horror stories out there about adoption and fostering where the child is used much like a slave in the household to cook and clean.
My best friend’s grandparents found a baby once and kept it, in the 20s. I can’t remember if it was left on their doorstep or they found it just abandoned somewhere, but I’ve never heard of that, outside of Hollywood movies! This was before the days when the state would step in and take the child into an orphanage. Wild!
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Post by Hannah Lee on Aug 5, 2021 14:28:42 GMT
It really depends on the family and the circumstances. I know of several families who adopted children and it’s barely noticeable, because while it’s not a secret, the adopted person is such an integrated part of the family that it’s not a factor (from the outside anyway). I remember growing up I had a friend in grade school who was adopted by a couple who were unable to have a biological child. She was born with a congenital illness which meant she might not live long, so she was hard to adopt out, her parents were thrilled to have her as long as they could, and they absolutely doted on her.
She did pretty well through grade school but then died suddenly when we were 11 or 12. And her parents were devastated. But for her short life she absolutely felt an integral member of that family.
I know of another couple who adopted 2 children a couple of years apart. They didn’t think they could have kids, and were making plans to adopt a 3rd child, who was the biological sibling of one of their other children. But then she found out she was pregnant and they decided not to proceed with the 3rd adoption. And, sadly, even as an acquaintance it’s easy for me to see that the mother, at least, absolutely treats the adopted kids differently than her bio kid. A close relative who is a friend of mine tries to step in to give extra attention to the older kids, and said they definitely have a sense that their mother favors the youngest. It’s really sad, and even sadder that one kid knows he has a sibling who, from his perspective, his parents just didn’t bother to adopt (kid’s hearts aren’t swayed by the practicality of 3 kids is okay but we don’t have resources, space for 4) It’s kind of heartbreaking to see.
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Post by ellie on Aug 5, 2021 15:43:28 GMT
Yes, that reflects my thinking Hannah. I suspect adoption into a family where there are already biological children or if they arrive later is potentially a much more risky prospect for all parties than if the adoptees are the only child/children in the family. That’s a very sad story you tell about those two children. I hope they will be ok.
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Post by MagdaFR on Aug 5, 2021 16:57:49 GMT
I have 2 adopted cousins. My aunt and uncle apparently couldn't have children or there was little possibility of having one. When my aunt was 40/41 years old she got pregnant.
By then the boys were already 13 and 11, more or less. The baby was a girl.
It's not easy to say if there were differences on how they were treated because of the difference in age and maybe gender. To me there wasn't. But, when they got older, the girl in fact had a closer relationship with my aunt and uncle. She continue living with them, travelled with them and now she (and her family) is living with my aunt (my uncle died) while the boys (and families) live independently.
One of my sisters had a similar experience. She had two adopted children (a boy and a girl,babies, the girl had only days) and then got pregnant. The older children were younger than my cousins. My sister was younger too. They get along very well.
I have to say that I once forgot that my nephew was adopted. They all look at me as if I had done something terrible and I still can't see why.
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Post by mllemass on Aug 5, 2021 17:52:50 GMT
There’s no way to go back in time and maybe do things differently for my cousins’s adopted children.
For the one cousin, her two little girls were born a month apart. Because of that, their birthdates were always questioned by their teachers and their schools, so they had to go through all their school years explaining “No, it’s not a mistake. We’re adopted and not biologically related”.
And for my other cousin, his son and daughter were born two weeks apart. They looked so much alike that people just assumed they were twins when they started school together, when in fact they weren’t blood relatives at all. So with them, too, they had to constantly explain to teachers and schools that the kids were adopted. I told my cousin years ago that he should have lied right from the start and told people yes, they were twins but one was two weeks older than the youngest. It’s not like teachers were going to demand a DNA test!
I have a friend who has twin daughters who look nothing alike, so they always got asked if they were adopted when they weren’t! Ha! They barely look like they’re related at all. One of the girls has the colouring and features of her Indian father, but with my friend’s curly hair. The other daughter looks just like my friend, but with her father’s straight hair.
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Post by onebluestocking on Aug 5, 2021 18:06:24 GMT
I love both my adopted and my biological son, very much. More attention goes to whomever needs it at the time (usually the adopted one because he is younger.) The only difference is that I have more in common with the bio child, so I have to work a little harder to find interests and connections with the adopted one, but that can happen with bio children too. It's just another aspect of parenting kids who are different from each other. Adoption is becoming a very controversial topic lately, with some adult adoptee groups regarding it as "rich people stealing children from poor people" or "legal child trafficking." It's sad that some people have bad experiences with it. There is also awareness now that adoption is a traumatic experience for all adoptees, even if it happens at birth.
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Post by ellie on Aug 5, 2021 18:51:12 GMT
Thanks OBS. It’s good to hear from someone with first hand experience. I’m generally in favour of adoption. Every child should have the chance of a loving home. So long as no pressure is exerted on the biological parent to put their child up for adoption then I think it’s a far better way than having the child grow up in an institution. However, like I said before, I do raise an eyebrow at the motives of people like Mia Farrow, Angelina Jolie and Madonna.
But I do see how some aspects need further examination. Here in Ireland, right up to the 1970s, many young women were forced to give up their babies for adoption - such was the social consequences of the “shame” of having a child “out of wedlock.” If you’ve seen the film Philomena you will know what I mean. But as Ireland became much more modern those attitudes changed and girls kept their babies. But solving one problem created another. With the new culture meaning there were very few babies available for adoption, many people went elsewhere to adopt such as Russia, China and Romania and the methods were often somewhat dubious with them effectively buying babies. But now I know Russia and I think China have banned overseas adoptions. Which is good in one way but in another - not so much. I mean surely being with a loving family from another country is better than growing up in an orphanage even if money did change hands in the process.
I don’t know. It’s a real moral minefield.
On another topic - I recently heard of a gay couple (friends of a friend of mine) who are expecting twins via a surrogate. Each of the men is the father of one of the babies (so I guess they’re not really twins) and the surrogate is not the biological mother. She is carrying the fertilized eggs of another woman. Science is marvellous but boy does it make for confusing relationship definitions!
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Post by onebluestocking on Aug 5, 2021 20:39:02 GMT
Ideally, all children would be planned and wanted by parents able to care for them. Unfortunately, when that doesn't happen it is hard to say what is best. Like everything in life, there are good and bad sides to each decision. We were happy to welcome our youngest to our family, and he gets a stable home and more life opportunities with us. But, he gives up a large birth family, including 4 half-siblings. I hope that he can have a relationship with them someday, and perhaps regain some of what he lost.
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